Just A Few Pictures

I live in San Francisco now and shit doesn't suck as hard here. I am pretty happy overall and sometimes think about how miserable I was in Hollister. Stuff still sucks at times, but I have to keep perspective because it's so much better than where I used to be. I still get depressed, stressed out and sad, as well as still stay at home a lot because I am not working yet. I am less angry and less sad over all the aspects of my life. Once a whiny bitch, always a whiny bitch though, what can you do? I wanted to start blogging again about the little shit that still bugs me, but it's nice to have the perspective of my previous experience, shit can always get so much worse. Overall though, nothing is really that bad. 

Hello!

If you are reading my blog, say hello, who are you and where do you come from? love stacy

Getting better!!

Guess who has been feeling better? This Guy! Or girl rather. But guy has more punch. Although I don't want to write when I am happy. What do I share? I watched lots of South Park today, and worked on a friend's present. I guess that's good? I am making her some art. A howling wolf is the main focus with a rainbow coming out of his mouth toward the sky, in the left corner is another wolf, smaller, facing the viewer (I guess viewer). I think it is going to look really cool. All I have to do is watercolor it. I like to do art where I pencil draw it, trace it with a permanent line marker, then color it in with watercolors. I like the richness of watercolors or the complete washout of parts that you want.


Why are things going better for me? I have no idea! Maybe I am getting used to where I am now, maybe I had to get over the shock of moving out of where I have lived my whole life. Although I still don't want to be here, I am a little less mad about it. A little less hopeless about the future. I have even applied to a few jobs, a few weeks ago I didn't care about doing something during the day, didn't see the point. I might see the point a little better now. I know that I feel better when I am around people and can express myself. Now I am starting to have fantasies about going to a job that I like and learning new things and getting out of this horrible town and horrible mood. 


Something that I noticed though about my better week and better mood was that my husband didn't seem to care. He still got mad when I was annoyed about something, he said well you're always mad at me or something like that. I was so mad because he perceived it that way, I was not being a jerk, just annoyed at something and wanted to work it out. But what the hell why even try and improve when he still sees how I was and not how I am currently. I need him to appreciate that I am trying. JERK! 


Hope something good happens soon, not sure how long this good mood can last!


                                                   Random GB picture

Things

I only write when I am unhappy. But I am unhappy most of the time, so I should write more. I can't do anything consistently. Esp my blog because it's something I have to actually do, content I have to create myself. so hard!! 


The past week hasn't been the worst, so that's good. I have to convince myself that living in this shit town is temporary. I might be freaked out so hard because I am scared I am stuck here forever, and then I would really want to die. But I don't have to give up yet! It's not the end of my life yet! I have this stupid punk rock fantasy of living in a gross apt in a downtown with band posters on the walls and it dosen't matter if it's dirty, it's supposed to. But I am in my late twenties, is that ok anymore? My husband used to feel this way too. When did he change? When he start wanting this suburban middle class bland lifestyle. Why didn't I realize this until it was too late? He has a spiderweb tatt on his head, but you can't tell anymore, because he has a "good job" now. Maybe the thing that is making me so sad is that it's kinda my fault. I agreed to move here, I agreed to sign the loan papers and everything. Basically our apt had hella mold and I was having asthma problems because of the mold. I would wakeup multiple times a night coughing, fighting for air. It was dumb and I was desperate to get out of the awful medical nightmare. So I gave in, that's why it's my fault I am here. He would have never gotten me outta there if there was no mold. Even the shitty neighbors weren't enough. Even the rising crime wasn't enough. 


I have to think of this as I am preparing for where we are going to move next. I can figure it out over the next year. (we are contractually obligated to stay for 12 months in the house before renting or selling) 


I just have to keep optimistic, visit friends whenever I can, not be here, cuz it sucks! 
When I get really depressed during the week I don't wanna go anywhere. No motivation, I just think "who cares" and "what's the point." 


Get over myself and get the fuck out of this horrible house and this horrible town. 

Better?

Yay, today was better! I have this pattern where Mondays are the worst days for my mental health. I think it is because of the fun and attention I get from the weekend, then I am left alone with my thoughts again. We hung out with friends all weekend the one before last and that monday was my worst ever. I wanted to move out or something, I don't know. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband, but I hate living in this city and this house. I want to go back to my hometown, which is a large city with so much to do and see! BUT today was awesome because I drove to the big city and saw my friend who just had a baby, so she is available to see for like two months. It was fun, even though all we did was walk around the mall then put our feet in the pool. It did wonders for my mood. After I got home we worked on the garden. I convinced my husband to help me get the garden square in the backyard. I told him it was the only thing I care about, so he is helping me dig out the weeds and turn the dirt. 
I am obsessed with finding out what I want to do basically the rest of my life. I feel like there is nothing that I like that much to do that often. I have phases of things I like but not much has kept my interest for years. I majored in film and even that is kinda a new interest. I have not decided if I want to do something I have to work that actively all the time. Mostly in terms of finding work or being such an advocate for myself so intensely. Gardening is something I have enjoyed for many years but I am stupid allergic to everything, that's why I need someone else to weed and get rid of the dry grass, which is the worst for my face. Not sure if I can do garden design and not be able to actually plant/touch stuff. I really enjoy organizing and planning. I just have to figure out what career I can do that with, but maybe not have other dumb stuff. Maybe I am being unrealistic- I want a job that I can do what makes me happy but not the stuff that sucks. You can tell I haven't really worked much in my life. 
Still figuring out what I want and what my purpose is. I am hoping that one of these days the answers to these questions will be answered for me. 

The first thing I planted at the new house. 

Bad getting Worse

Today was ok for a while, but over the past few hours my mood has plummeted. It happens for stupid reasons. I wanted to paint the bathroom a certain way. My husband spent all day ignoring me painting the bathroom and it looks so bad. I shouldn't get upset about stupid stuff like that, but I do. Maybe it's not listening? It originates from the fact that he moved me to a small town about 1hr from where we used to live, where we both grew up, and I hate it so much. Maybe I feel like for my sacrifice things need to be perfect or go my way. Why did I move here if things are going to be worse, than it was all for nothing. I have been so sad since we moved here, about two months. My life dosen't matter, there's no work, there's nothing for me. I feel like I have no reason to exist. I know there should be a different way of looking at things, I really don't need to work. By not needing to though I feel like my purpose has been taken from me. Why do anything? What's the point? How do I feel better?


Hope the next post is happier.

My new friend is lost

More info to come...